fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You pole danced in your parka.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
