Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize