apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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