when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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