I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
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I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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