Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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