Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
