If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
