Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize