If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
