You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
