I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
