you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
His nipple licking is glorious
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