dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Semen is not good for contacts.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
