im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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