I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
