I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
