hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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