Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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