my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
