I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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