You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
