I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
