We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
