I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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