ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
