so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Found the puke drawer
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
