i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
