I wish I only lived at night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
