i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
