just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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