This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
