oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
