I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
