he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
