i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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