I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
