highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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