Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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