How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We are two peas in an std pod
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
