i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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