The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
