if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
