I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
