He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
