I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The air was thick with penises
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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