Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
