He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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