someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
