Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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