he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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