Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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