1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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