Where did you get a picture of my penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
