I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
