somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
