woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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