Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
