and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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