I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
